Questions about "traditional" culture, marriage and aging
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Location: British Columbia
Posted on: 02-05-06 15:26:18
Hi All
Some questions came to mind today and I want to discuss/get feedback on what other Cd's think about the following. I mean no disrespect to those who believe strongly in (what I am posting about) this, but i want to explore it further:
1) From what I understand, dating and love marriages are frowned upon by many families - whether in India or abroad. There are greater and lesser degrees of traditional and permissiveness in families. Question: If a young man/woman is not allowed the freedom to interact with members of the opposite sex, and/ or date, then how does a young person learn how to communicate and have a good relationship with their future spouse?
2) With the increase of young people leaving home to move abroad (ie/ from India to Canada) and simply moving away from parents to build careers in different cities, what is the implication for elders? When one's parents retire, if they will not be living in the same city/country as their children, do they have a network of friends, social activities? Is this a new phenomenen in India?
Thank you
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~ Morning rain
Location: God's own country
Posted on: 02-05-06 15:44:37
Quote:
Originally posted by morning_rain
2) With the increase of young people leaving home to move abroad (ie/ from India to Canada) and simply moving away from parents to build careers in different cities, what is the implication for elders? When one's parents retire, if they will not be living in the same city/country as their children, do they have a network of friends, social activities? Is this a new phenomenen in India?
Thank you
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I can try to answer this point. Generally , children whose parents are abroad send a generous amount of money and see that their parents are happy in india with the money.
Mostly, if a parent has 2 or 3 children, one child will be in india due to job or non availability of foreign oppertunities. The other children will coax that person to take care of the parent in their old age. They give generously from abroad. I have never seen old people with children abroad being sent to a old age home. but this is only in Tamil nadu.
also parents have a close network of friends/ social activities. Social activites can be gossipping, travel to religious places, temples, A/C shopping malls, parks, tourist places, share brockerage, reading magazines, newspapers etc...
Some parents of highly placed individuals abroad, never like to go and settle abroad due to language problem, uneducatedness, cultural differences etc.. These kind of people, try to stay where they worked/ grew up till their death. Now that Medical services is very good in india, an ambulance is just a phone call away and most hospitals are full service now. this allows old parents to be independant.
TK
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I am a Gents and not a Ladies.
Location: Private location
Posted on: 02-05-06 15:58:17
These are great issues to explore MR...let me give you some feedback regarding myself.
My situation is not typical of anyone who has moved from India (as a lot of CD'ers here have) to Canada. I'm from the UK and I moved to Canada about 4 yrs back. Anyway, all throughout my adolescence, my parents (and my 2 elder brothers) wanted to 'protect' me from the world...and boys! 
The truth is, we all had a very good relationship to our parents. I was never discouraged or forbidden from having male friends. In fact, the more my parents knew about my all my friends, including my male friends, the less they fretted and worried if I was going someplace with them. Now, even though I am living here, my male friends back in the UK are still in touch with my parents and respect them alot.
This openess and frankness of comminication led to the fact that when I did fall in love and want to get married, I had no problems being open and honest with my parents about it. I didn't have to hide things and go behind their backs.
Personally I think that younger people/families moving away from elders/parents is not a new thing in the UK, it has been going on for many years. However, there are still alot of families out there that rely and depend on there children for support, whether it be financial or emotional, and this can result in an obligation, on the kids part, to staying close to home and parents and not "spreading their wings" as it were. I don't think this kind of emotional blackmail (it can be called that in extreme cases) is fair at all. I do believe that when parents are very dependent on their kids, even for the social aspects of their lives, (driving them to everyone homes, taking them shopping everytime) then they do find it extremely hard when the child moves away. Maybe this is why kids move away - to escape their parents' apron strings!
My husbands parents live in Kenya. They have never wanted to settle down in Canada "just to be close to the kids". They are happy because they have their own lives in Kenya, their own social circle and often I find they get bored when they come to visit us for long periods of time here because they miss not being in their own environment. Who could blame them? I wouldn't want to be in their situation either in another country.
And then you have my best friend. She is the youngest of 6, and the only girl. Her family is very different from mine. ALL of the brothers (who are all married and with at least 2 kids of their own each) live in very close proximity to the parents. They have actually bought 3 houses next to each other on the same street and I often joke with her that her family will end up buying the whole street! They all live "in each others pockets". God forbid my best friend was to have a boyfriend - she would be married off in the blink of an eye! So she, unlike myself, has to keep alot of things from her parents. But then who can blame her...it's not her fault her parents think that way. Her parents are very dependent on her brothers and thier wives..."drive me here"...."take me there"....."make the roti's"........blah blah blah....
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Bijou Bazaar
http://bijoubazaar22.googlepages.com
Location: British Columbia
Posted on: 02-05-06 16:23:33
Quote:
Originally posted by tamilkuravan
I can try to answer this point. Generally , children whose parents are abroad send a generous amount of money and see that their parents are happy in india with the money.
Mostly, if a parent has 2 or 3 children, one child will be in india due to job or non availability of foreign oppertunities. The other children will coax that person to take care of the parent in their old age. They give generously from abroad. I have never seen old people with children abroad being sent to a old age home. but this is only in Tamil nadu.
Thanks for the response TK,
I dont know if above is always true though. First, its implied that children will have an abundance of money to send which isnt always the case (right?)
Secondly, It is not true that one child will always remain in India. Even if they are, I know a family where one son is in India but wont take care of his elderly parents because he argues he has 3 young children of his own. He also wont live with the parents whether abroad or India. The children abroad are sending money to the parents.
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~ Morning rain
Location: British Columbia
Posted on: 02-05-06 16:29:32
Quote:
Originally posted by Pink Panther
Personally I think that younger people/families moving away from elders/parents is not a new thing in the UK, it has been going on for many years. However, there are still alot of families out there that rely and depend on there children for support, whether it be financial or emotional, and this can result in an obligation, on the kids part, to staying close to home and parents and not "spreading their wings" as it were. I don't think this kind of emotional blackmail (it can be called that in extreme cases) is fair at all. I do believe that when parents are very dependent on their kids, even for the social aspects of their lives, (driving them to everyone homes, taking them shopping everytime) then they do find it extremely hard when the child moves away. Maybe this is why kids move away - to escape their parents' apron strings!
My husbands parents live in Kenya. They have never wanted to settle down in Canada "just to be close to the kids". They are happy because they have their own lives in Kenya, their own social circle and often I find they get bored when they come to visit us for long periods of time here because they miss not being in their own environment. Who could blame them? I wouldn't want to be in their situation either in another country.
....
Hi PP,
In the first paragraph above: So how do those parents cope when their children move away? Note: It can be applied to both sons and daughters. I hear this phrase quite a bit: that daughters will always leave their parents and sons generally do not. I know many families where daughters are closer to their parents and remain living near by. My own personal values are that its ok for a woman to be near her parents when she has her own family and I believe this is more a reflection of western lifestyle. In India I understand its still more likely the woman will uproot and move to where her spouse resides.
Secondly, I know what you mean about your inlaws. my own MIL is very bored here and misses being in India. I dont blame her. I wouldnt like to be told when im 60 that I have to move elsewhere, where I dont understand the language and customs and dont know anyone either.
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~ Morning rain
Location: God's own country
Posted on: 02-05-06 16:29:37
Quote:
Originally posted by morning_rain
. First, its implied that children will have an abundance of money to send which isnt always the case (right?)
.
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MR,
Only if you immigrate to Canada, that you might not have an abundance of money. Any other educated person who immigrates/ takes up a job elsewhere (except Canada) is guarenteed to make lots of money. The other thing is that if is stingy or not. If he is not stingy, he sure will send money.
I told you about the australian immigrant in my other thread. he has tons of money but he is so stingy that he does not give any to his father. Only his father is alive and he stays in the son's 1 bed flat for free. he is 70 years and he does a part time accounting job. THe son does not spend/ give for all his needs but just gives for the basic nesscessity of food and medicines.
But this guy is just an exception.
TK
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I am a Gents and not a Ladies.
Location: British Columbia
Posted on: 02-05-06 16:32:41
Quote:
Originally posted by tamilkuravan
MR,
Only if you immigrate to Canada, that you might not have an abundance of money.
TK
So if you live in Canada, and this scenario occurs?
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~ Morning rain
