Posted on: 08-12-04 12:17:01
The Best Resignation Letter Ever
Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA,
to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!
Dear Mr. Baker,
As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very
basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an
intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your
consistent and annoying harassment of my coworkers and me during the
commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few
true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of
everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only
a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because
I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to
provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly
attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth
time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as
binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand
why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even
though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP
is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.
You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in
others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have
worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility,
you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for
your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the
blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you
are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is
unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal,
I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting
thoughts.
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for
you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me
is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over
the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be
unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know
every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to
get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I
conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do
believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the
administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your
Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take
pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them
like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen
such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been
copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter
of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to
correct your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my
desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your
little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never
f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do
with all that free time!
Wishing you a grand and glorious day,
Cecelia
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Try overtaking child's imagination
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~deeba~
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Try overtaking child's imagination
This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald’s restaurant in Florida; and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and ‘post-it’ notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
AVAILABLE FOR WORK: Of course. That’s why I’m applying.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 – 3:30pm., Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UPTO 50lbs?: 50lbs. of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be the winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no, on my breaks, yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb blond supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
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Try overtaking child's imagination
Johnny's next-door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was
born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents
invited Little Johnny's family to come over
and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son
would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a
long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He Said," Now,
son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best
behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank
your ass when we get back home." "I promise not to mention his ears at all,"
said Little Johnny. At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the
crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what
a beautiful little baby!" The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's
comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little
Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands, feet, why...just
look at his pretty little eyes... did his doctor say he can see good?" The
Mother, a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes...his doctor said he
has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?" Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good
thing, cause that little CUTE guy can't wear glasses!"
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Try overtaking child's imagination
Jago_desi,
Please watch for profanity in your jokes.
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Are you there?
Quote:
Orginally posted by BlueLobster
Jago_desi,
Please watch for profanity in your jokes.
missed it.....
How to edit topic??
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Try overtaking child's imagination
