A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard herhusband's key in the door.
"Stay where you are," shesaid. "He is so drunk he won't even notice you'rein bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife:

"Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"
"Nonsense," said the wife, "You're so drunk youmiscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One,two, three, four. Damn, you are right!"

** ** **

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to thevery elderly widow and asked,

"How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
************************

When the husband comes home from work he is met by his wife whois crying.

"What's happened, my honey?" he askes.
"I baked a lot of cakes," she says, "but the cat ate them all."
"Don't worry dear," he replies, "I'll buy you a new cat."

** ** **

You're not a kid anymore when the only reason you're awakeat 4 a.m. is indigestion.

** ** **

Two men were finishing their workday, and one said:

"I hate to go home! Every night I eat the same tasteless food,wash the dishes, walk the dog, and then go to bed."His co-worker asked,
"Why don't you find a nice girl and get married?"

As the first man slammed his briefcase shut, he replied,
"I AM married!"
***************************************************
Through a scheduling mix up, a man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. It's late, the train is full, and everyone else is already asleep. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket
***************************************************
This woman goes to her husband.
"The car has a flat tire" she told him.

"Does it look like I have 'firestone' written on my head?" he replied.

"Ugh" she walked outta the room.

The next day when her husband walked in from work she said.

"The dish washer down." She told him.

"Does it look like I have 'whirlpool' written on my forehead?"

"Ugh"

The next her husband came home and asked her.

"How did u get this stuff done?"

"The guy next door told me he'd fix them if I gave him a b|0w***or if I baked him a cake."

"Oh what kinda cake did ya bake him?" he asked her.

"Does it look like I have Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

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it is nice to be important..but it is more importanat to be NICE