The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two shots in the bathtub, one on
the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room
floor is fun too.... you can really spread out there!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me!"

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results." "

My, my, that's a lot of...of.....!!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd probably be very disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Oh, don't I just know it!" Mrs. Smith muttered.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures, "This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith faintly.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing
to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Oh Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling; I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on
your...um...equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
that we can get to work"

"Tripod???!!"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
for me to hold up for very long.......Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's
fainted....!"