A couple of years ago when my mother was on her deathbed, I had gone to India to take care of her. My mother used to be a fiery woman woman and we were always at loggerheads. I thought for once she would appreciate her dutiful and loving daughter. Was I wrong! A couple of days after enduring my ministerings she blasted me. The gist was that knew that all her children loved her very much and she would die a happy woman and now get back home and take care of your kids!! Years later I now appreciate the wisdom of her words. Parents take pleasure in knowing that their children are well settled and leading a happy life. Just knowing that their children love them is often enough.

As a parent I too believe in the law of nature .....nurture your children when they are young, Give them good values and education and them set them free.
Plan for your old age so that you are secure financially and do not have to depend on anyone. I can not stress how important financial planning is for yourself. Don't go overboard in spending on your kids education, buying them a house etc. A little struggle builds character.

TK it saddened me to read your mail. Life's lessons have taught me that happiness to a large extent is a frame of mind. Be thankful for the little things and appreciate whatever you have. Money doesn't always bring happiness.

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goldie

Quote:

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Originally posted by guptamik
.... WHY is he here?
-B

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Mumbai Maazi Ladki ...

Shankarcharya

From your post it is difficult to ascertain whether your regrets are due to your emotional bond with your mother or your desire to fulfil traditional expectations that the eldest son is 'responsible' for the family.

Its normal to feel the way you do. Everyone questions themselves about their life choices at some point or other. Its ok to feel this way.

However there are things within one's control. Yes money is required to have access to necessary things and some desired material things. However one can make choices about living within their means.

Is there job security anywhere anymore??

Last - You can plan for your retirement as other people have suggested. Retirement savings, government pensions and other financial savings etc..

Take care of your health - Most seniors in Canada do not end up in Nursing homes unless they are too invalid to care for themselves. I think at one point I read a stat it was like 10% of the population over age 65. Most seniors are independant as long as possible again depending on their financial situation.

As a senior, if you cannot take care of yourself do you see yourself happily being a burden on your child?? Will ur adult child also not be busy with their own career ? Most women work nowadays as well. Who will be providing nursing care for you if no one is at home to care for you?

Im not trying to be negative..but saying ..friend be realistic. Maybe you are panicking right now because of your mom not being well. My prayers are with you.

Personally - when I get older, I would like to be in a "Retirement community" .. not a nursing home.. where I can be with other people my own age ..doing activities, living independantly (ie in an apartrment or townhouse) but still with people close by me that have smilar interests.

I dont want to spend my golden years babysitting .. or doing what my children want me to do.

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~ Morning rain

We think of a new life for our children in Canada and when the decision of immigrating to Canada primarily for the sake of our children, all the other concerns take a back seat. Why? Because it is assumed at that point of time that job opportunities in Canada for you may make you financially comfortable or atleast you may be able to earn enough money to make visits to India for your other family commitments when necessary. But as TK has mentioned, the reality is far from those presumptions and that is when the conflicts within start. Financially, we soon realise, that one is only able to live only month to month and trips to India for family commitments are a far cry. We try to console ourselves that the quality of life is good here et al, and that our children may do better in this environment. But our generation faces the odds and the trauma. Staying with the times, it is immaterial if the children stay with the parents or are independent, but our generation has already made that sacrifice for them.
All in all, given the financial leg-room and a relatively secured job, one would definitely like to honour the moral obligations of India. I find this so many times going through the mind and I agree with TK, as he has, as always put things so candidly and honestly.
Comparing India and Canada is like comparing apples to oranges. Each country has its own "package deal" , if I may say so. All have their plusses and their respective negatives. But, the lesser thought of 'financial strains" of Canada adds to the woes of our generation. It soon assumes a greater significance and keeps playing on your mind day and night. After all it is not possible to survive only on fresher air, good roads, good cars and all that. These are definitely some benefits. But, sadly,money is where the things start. Rest all follow.

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Lead, Kindly Light!!

Well all have said so much .........

i want to add that it is not only when they are sick or on death bed, that they need us. I believe they need us more when they are healthy and active. Because one is sick once in a while and on death bed once....and whether you do rites or not ....does not matter to the one who is gone........in my opinion, they want our company when they can talk to us, when they can enjoy it ...not only when they NEED it......... In day to day life.....they would want us to be with them ......

It was initially surprising to me when my inlaws told me over ph that when they see other grandparents in their building dropping or picking their grandchildren to / from school .....then that time my inlaws miss their grandchild....but now i think i can relate to what they are saying..........

Initially when we come we think that one day we will call our parents here and so we all will be together but later on we know that calling them here would be a punishment to them.....and then we are stuck, cant return and they cant come so lastly we end up sharing our pain thru these posts....

Very well said Aashu and thank you for posting such a thoughtful reply. In our custom it is common to respect, care and love our parents. We fall at their feet and seek their blessings because we owe our existence to them. Just to give a human touch to this post let me explain the reason why I moved to Canada.

When I finished my studies I had to stay back in India because my mom was sick at that time and had to undergo an operation to remove her uterus. Since my sister was in US, I helped my dad in taking care of mom. Most of my friends went to US for doing research but I had to take up a job to shoulder the family responsibilities. My parents had quit their jobs and someone had to pay the bills. I stayed with my parents from June till December and they are the most wonderful days in my life. I would visit my mom in the hospital every evening and bring her flowers. Once she was discharged from the hospital and was back home, I felt the need to earn more money. Apart from my regular job, I worked as a consultant for designing and setting up new chemical plants. I got up at 4.00 in the morning and returned home at around 1.30 at night. But even at this late hour both my parents would be waiting for me with an anxious look in their face. I used my hard earned money for refurbishing the house and buying lots of presents for mom. I can’t describe the happiness that I got in buying those presents. The memories are still fresh to this day and bring a smile on my face Over the years I have dated many girls and brought them presents but it never gave me any happiness. I guess the love for parents in our tradition is very strong. Remember the Amitabh / Shashi Kapoor movie and the dialogue “ Mere paas Ma hai?

Coming back to my story after working in India for 7 months I moved to the Middle East and worked there for a few years. I would visit India twice a year and never missed my parents much. My dad wanted me to return home and set up pharmaceutical manufacturing business but my mom wanted me to migrate to Canada. I did not want to hurt her feelings and hence I moved to Canada. I miss my parents a lot but I think that moving to Canada was the right decision. My parents don’t want to move to Canada because they don’t get well along with my sister and are scared that she may visit me if they are here and get into heated arguments with them. The resources (land, water) in India are limited and all the cities are crowded. There is violence in everyday life for religious, caste and a myriad of reasons. Corruption is rampant and there is inequality because of the reservation system in place. Trains are overcrowded and the roads are congested in cities. Till a few years back spurious drugs were sold in the pharmaceutical market.

Thanks

Nikhil

...do you now know why everyone's doing it?

I guess we all have our own stories as to why we are here?